Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
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They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people