whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
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My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.