whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

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Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on


Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.


Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes


My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend


I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.


Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.


I am now running out of paper towels.


Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).


If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.