@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

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@Jlgroove_

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

@daemonic3

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

@ShesAllNat

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

@JessObsess

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

@007Pepe_Rex

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

@FormerHumorist

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

@GemmaBlaze

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.