@Jlgroove_ Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
@jonnysun whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
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@Jlgroove_ 
@russissippi why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
@doublewenis Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
@jeannerbeaner “No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
@daemonic3 Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
@ShesAllNat My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
@JessObsess I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
@007Pepe_Rex Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
@FormerHumorist Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
@GemmaBlaze If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.