I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started