Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
You Might Also Like
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Meow
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”