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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”