If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
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Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.