Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
This is painfully accurate 😅
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
adding to the discourse
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I saw nothing
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”