“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
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WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary