These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
You Might Also Like
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
May your day taste like creamy soup.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters