King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
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[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
This is my pinned tweet
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
SPLOOT