It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
<- sleeps well with others
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.