anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
You Might Also Like
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.