Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)