Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
only 11 steps left
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher