waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
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uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Money is the root of all wealth
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave