uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card