the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
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A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
thanks auntie mary
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner