you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
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Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons