I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
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*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
me after eating Cheetos
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why