I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
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The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.