joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
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Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Confused owl: What?!
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
good morning
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams