Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.