[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
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Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.