Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
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Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Doctors texting each other.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
why would tinder want me to say this
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.