Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.