St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.