St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

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Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.


Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.


People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.


Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.


To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …


Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!


Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad


[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell


Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.


“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.



H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.