birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
You Might Also Like
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.