tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
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I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Rt to bother an English speaker
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
We have a winner.