Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats