From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Go hard or stay average
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant