My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.