“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
You Might Also Like
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.