detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I need a headline like this
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.