When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.