Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer