I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
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My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.