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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.