Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
#merica
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown