Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
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The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.