M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
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don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me