This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list