HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats![]()
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Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok