[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
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I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.