How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”