Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”