According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
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Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Happy Thanksgiving
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]