Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.