Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
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Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”