Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-