My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it