Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
it must be school picture day
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.